Why Worry?

By Julie Isphording

You would think that worrying would prepare us for hardships, awful things and big challenges. But it doesn’t.

Nothing prepares us.

We dedicate so much time to worrying; and unfortunately, it causes so much needless suffering — tension, poor sleep, irritability, fatigue, sadness, impatience, fear, negativity and general unhappiness. 

What’s even worse is that most of what we worry about never happens. In fact, if you ask older people what some of their biggest regrets were in life, they will tell you, “I wish I’d worried less.” 

If worrying has so many drawbacks, then why do we do it?

We worry when some future outcome is uncertain — We want to make sure it turns out well. Most of the time — even after we’ve done all we can do to prevent a bad outcome — something still could go wrong. Maybe it’s missing a flight, or getting sick, or messing up at work, or losing someone we care about. Unfortunately, we don’t have ultimate control over whether these things might happen.

And that’s just how life is. It’s amazing. It’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between all that, it’s normal…so normal. The worst will find us, and so will the best. And guess what? We will be able to manage it when it does.

We don’t need any dress rehearsals.

What are our five common misbeliefs about worry that force us to keep doing it?

• If I worry, I’ll never have a scary surprise.

Nobody likes to be blindsided by bad news, so we might worry to prevent disappointment. Unfortunately, we can’t foresee everything that will happen to us, so it’s impossible to avoid serious stuff. In the meantime, how much are we suffering by fearing the future?

• It’s safer if I worry.

Our beliefs about worry can have a superstitious element because we believe that the act of worrying itself somehow lowers the likelihood of a dreaded outcome. We might think that if we stop worrying, we’d be inviting trouble. This is wrong — just wrong. It’s as impactful as mentally “keeping the plane up” when flying in an airplane.

• I show I care by worrying.

We might tell ourselves that worrying says something good about us: “I only worry because I care.” This may be true, but we too often turn it around and think, “If I didn’t worry it would mean I don’t care.” We need to distinguish between caring about a situation — including doing everything in our power to help it turn out well — and needlessly worrying about it. 

• Worrying motivates me.

It’s common to believe that if we stop worrying, we’ll become complacent or unproductive. We need to differentiate between unproductive worry and productive concern and problem-solving.

• Worrying helps me solve problems.

We might tell ourselves that worrying is how we find solutions to our problems. However, worrying is more likely to interfere with problem-solving. 

It’s really hard to stop worrying, so what can help us?

• Calm the nervous system.

When we’re constantly worried and on edge, our nervous system is on high alert. It can help to find a sense of ease with exercise, meditation, reading and rest. 

• Embrace uncertainty.

Most of the things we care about in life involve uncertainty. We can’t be sure we’ll do well in our careers, that people will like us, that we’ll always be healthy, that we’ll have a happy marriage; but we shouldn’t allow this uncertainty to stop us from living a good life. 

• Live in the present.

Worry is by definition about the future, so training our attention on the present is a powerful way to reduce worries. We can focus our attention and gratefulness on our everyday activities like walking, talking with a friend, reading, working and playing, as well as in more formal practices like meditation or yoga.

• Face your fears.

Rather than worrying uselessly, we can practice accepting what we’re afraid of happening. At first, it will feel frightening. However, with practice, our fears become less gripping, and we can confront them with greater equanimity.

What can you start doing today to make your life much better?

• Start focusing on what you already have.

It’s easy to focus on scarcity. In this social media-dominated, hyper-commercial and filtered society, a state of lack can often get the best of us. But, as Oprah said, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

• Start ignoring what others are doing.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparison and feel like we are not measuring up. Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to someone’s greatest moment. Instead, choose to honor your life by becoming your best, not someone else’s best. 

• Start trusting that others are doing the best they can.

Trust that everyone is doing the best they can based on their experience, beliefs and circumstances. The person who cut you off in traffic might be in a rush to get home to a sick loved one. The person who didn’t deliver his project on time might be experiencing heartbreak. 

You never know what someone else is going through. So, instead of making assumptions, trust that they’re doing the best they can. Lead from a place of compassion, not judgment, and you’ll spare yourself and others unnecessary pain, anger, and frustration.

• Start being honest with yourself.

The only way to change something is to look squarely at your fears, limitations and roadblocks. What’s working and what isn’t? What do you want to do that scares you? Give yourself credit for what’s working and then look at how you can change what isn’t. 

• Start focusing on something greater than you.

In life, we either show up for what we do, how we do it, or why we do it. Having the last one — the WHY — defined is what gives our lives purpose and meaning. Participating in something greater than yourself and being clear on why you’re doing it adds joy. Find it.

• Start acting like you really care about yourself.

Do you genuinely care about yourself? Do you act, speak and treat yourself like the kind, loving, gentle, trustworthy and courageous person that you are? Look at your physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual aspects. 

• Start trusting yourself wholeheartedly.

Just like any other relationship, the one with yourself needs to be healthy. Some of the most important conversations you will ever have are with yourself. When you feel curious, intrigued or excited about something, trust that it’s happening for a reason. When you get red flags about a person or situation, trust that it’s also happening for a reason.

• Start gaining perspective on your problems.

It’s been said that “The problem with problems is that we think we’re not supposed to have any.” Problems might not always feel great, but they propel us to move forward. They shed light on what isn’t working so that we can find the answers we are looking for. What do you need to keep growing?

• Start spending more time with good people.

How are the people you spend most time with? Do they give you energy, support, confidence and help? Friendships and connections are always in motion and important for your health. Surround yourself with people who reflect how you want to be. 

• Start taking 100% responsibility for your life.

To accept and take full responsibility for all the areas of your life — physical, emotional, intellectual, social, financial and spiritual — isn’t easy. But it’s the only way to change them.

• Start creating the life you want now.

Don’t postpone your life. Conditions or timing will never be perfect. So, instead, ask yourself, “If I had all the love, money, time, confidence, friends and knowledge I need, how would I think, act and feel?” Try stepping into those shoes and see what happens.

Have you ever done a 30-day challenge that changed your life? 

Don’t think of these ideas as challenges. Think of them as new beginnings:

• Exercise every day.

Start with 30 minutes. Make a plan that includes activities you like to do — walking, yoga, online classes — and includes treasured people you enjoy spending time with. You might even forget you’re exercising. 

• Just say no.

A month of saying NO to the things you don’t like to do will exercise your ability to set your own priorities and prove how much can be accomplished if you’re intentional about controlling your time. It will also give you more time to say YES to the things that matter most.

• Quit social media.

A heap of studies says you’ll be happier without the likes of Facebook, Instagram and others. And you will instantly notice how long your day can be without it. 

• Swear off complaining.

Science shows this one could begin to rewire your brain for positivity and happiness. Many consider this “probably the hardest challenge” on the list. 

• Talk to a stranger a day.

It doesn’t have to be a lengthy conversation. You can just start some small talk. Just imagine the joy you can bring to someone with a small compliment or shared thought on the weather. It’s also a terrific way to overcome shyness. 

• Get up ridiculously early.

Having a few hours to yourself before the world wakes up can have an incredible impact on your productivity, health and personal growth. 

• Write.

Simply dumping your thoughts onto the page each day is a wonderful way to boost your emotional health and clear out space for creativity and happiness, according to experts. It can also sharpen your thinking, make you smarter and encourage gratitude. 

• Send a thank you card.

Each day, handwrite a little note to someone who has helped you in some way — real paper, real handwriting, real postage stamp. You’ll be amazed how grateful and happy you can make people. It will make your heart happier too!

• Play every day.

This might be a tough one. Being a kid again requires some practice. How about some pickleball, basketball, hiking, boardgames…Do you remember how to do this?

• Give away 10% of your income this month. 

Tip more. Pay it forward. Treat your friends to dinner. Send flowers to your mom. This isn’t just about giving money to charity but being more generous. You will have at last 30–50 individual moments of charity you are not used to.

• Go to bed earlier.

Try 30 minutes earlier each night. It can do amazing things for your health. That’s right, doing nothing is something!

Olympian Julie Isphording is the director of the Western & Southern Thanksgiving Day Race, an author and keynote speaker. Her speeches — on stage, in a classroom or at a luncheon — include Olympic videos, unforgettable props, lots of laughter and a few tears. If you need a keynote, find her at julie.isphording@gmail.com.