My Sidekick and Me: Rules and Expectations

By Lisa Desatnik, CPDT-KA, FFCP, FDM, CPBC–Pet Behavior Columnist

This month I’d like to talk about rules and expectations, how they affect our relationships and emotions, and ultimately our behavior. That is important to understand because it isn’t just about our relationship with other people, but with our pets as well. 

Imagine for a moment that you entered someone’s home and, because you leave your shoes on at your own house, taking your shoes off was not even on your radar. However, after you had been there for a few minutes, your host walks in and scolds you for having dirty shoes on her recently washed floor. You sit at the kitchen table, and place your offered drink next to you, only to learn drinks must always be placed on the coasters in the center of the table. And, when you finished with your drink you walk the empty glass to the kitchen counter, only to be told glasses should not clutter the counter. They belong in the dishwasher. 

You may start to feel some uncomfortable being there. You may become afraid to do anything because you seem to do everything wrong, without even realizing it. You don’t know what is expected – until you break a rule. 

What if, after standing in a long line to check out at the grocery store (because it was one of only a few lanes open), you finally get to the cashier with your basket of products for which you just spent 15 minutes shopping and then another 10 minutes waiting to pay for them; and are told that line is only for 12 items or fewer and you need to go to a different lane? 

I bet you would not be happy.  I know it would not be a good day for me!

Can you relate?

Most never think about this when it comes to their relationship with their pet. Yet, most do have certain expectations when it comes to their pet’s behavior in certain situations. They just may not communicate this until their pet broke a rule.  

It can lead to a great deal of stress (even chronic stress) – for the animal who broke the rule that he did not know existed until he was punished for it…and for the person who is frustrated by the animal’s ‘naughty’ behavior. 

Let me go a step further. Often homes and families institute the ‘sometimes’ rule. ‘Sometimes’ it is okay for the dog to jump on guests but ‘sometimes’ it is not. ‘Sometimes’ it is okay for the dog to lay on the sofa and ‘sometimes’ it is not. 

Unclear rules and expectations sure are difficult to follow. 

That grey area is very confusing to a dog. Dogs do not get the ‘sometimes’ rule. When you think about it, it is really unfair to expect dogs to get it. 

Here is my recommendation when it comes to improved relationships, less stress and better quality of life. 

Practice rule fairness. Take stock of what rules are important to you. Be clear and consistent with communicating your expectations. Set up the environment to make following your rules easy to do, and not following the rules more difficult (or impossible) to do. If it requires your learner (whether a pet or person) gain a skill, then teach the skill and give that skill a lot of value. 

Lisa Desatnik, CPDT-KA, FFCP, FDM, CPBC, is a certified dog trainer, a certified dog bite prevention educator, a certified Family Dog Mediator, and the first trainer in Hamilton County to earn Fear Free certification. She is also a licensed Family Paws Parent Educator. She is committed to using and teaching the most positive, science-based approaches to changing behavior. For more information, visit www.SoMuchPETential.com.