Engaging Hearts & Minds: Helping Your Child Navigate a New School

At some point in our lives, we have all experienced being the new kid. Whether starting pre-k, changing high schools or joining a new team, those nervous jitters are universal and unmistakable. 

We have a natural desire to fix our child’s discomfort, but validating their emotions and giving them the tools to solve their own problems will make each new transition smoother. Let them know it is normal to feel those nerves. Think about a time when you also felt nervous or were new. Share that story with your child and let them know that even though you were maybe anxious at first, it ended up OK. It just might take time. Reiterate to them, “You might feel worried, but I have every confidence that you can do it. We’ll get through it together.”

If your child is going through a big change this school year, there are ways that parents can equip their child with tools to ease the transition. While we have divided these tips by age group, many of the tips are true for all ages.

Younger children

For pre-kindergarten, their priorities are likely as simple as, “Will my needs be met?” Who will I play with? Where is the bathroom? When is snack time? Help them think through these basic needs before school starts so they feel more prepared. Young children are also visual, so showing pictures of the new space helps them know what to expect.

Teach your kids how to strike up a conversation with a new friend by modeling behaviors. Start off by saying, “Let’s pretend that I’m someone you’ve never talked to before,” and then actually give your child some language to use. Tell them they can notice something another child is doing or reading and ask a question about that. Have them practice giving compliments in their own authentic voice. Practicing behaviors helps make them more natural.

Modeling behaviors can be observed elsewhere, too. Books and TV shows offer the opportunity to observe at a distance, which might feel safer to kids. Notice how the characters are feeling, how they address those emotions and how they interact with others.

Once the school year is underway, remember that little ones are often not equipped with the language to share their feelings about their new environment, so their ask for help may present itself in less obvious ways. An outburst about boots is probably not about the boots. They will not be ready to talk during an outburst, but when they are calm, help name and validate their feelings. 

Middle School Age

Middle school can be tumultuous due to the kids’ developmental stage and hormones. Finding friends is often the first priority when entering a new school. Friendship issues and conflicts are common at this age, even if they aren’t going to a new school.

Help your middle schooler set realistic expectations for friendships. Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes, a friendship at the beginning of the school year serves a certain purpose, but as kids grow and change, it is OK for friend groups to change.

Validate your middle schooler’s feelings and let them know they are not alone. Pre-teens and teens may be reticent to talk to their parents about their feelings, so help them identify one to two trusted adults at their school. Maybe it is one of their teachers or a school counselor. Let that adult know your child feels comfortable with them, and they could use an ear as they’re going through this transition.

High School Age

For most teens, their top priority is often finding their social circle. Help them think of ways they can get involved immediately. Teens who start a sport in the summer often have a much easier time adjusting to their new school. If they aren’t interested in athletics, encourage them to join an extracurricular or club, which are often as plentiful as they are varied in high school.

The students we see who really take off and flourish when they enter a new high school are the ones who feel a sense of ownership in the change. If the student did not have a say in which school they are attending, think of ways to make them feel a part of the process and encourage them to reflect on what they would like to get out of this new experience. 

And while your teen has matured in many ways, remember they still have a penchant for the extreme. If they come home and say it was the worst day ever, it might have been a great day, but parents are the perfect dumping ground for all the feelings they were holding together throughout the day. It is important to validate their feelings, while also helping them remember the good stuff.

Like middle schoolers, high school students might not always be as forthcoming with their parents, so do not hesitate to reach out to their teachers, counselors or advisers if you have any concerns. The school is there to be a resource for you and help your child thrive.

Additional Resources

For All Ages: “Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting,” podcast by Lisa Damour, Ph.D.; Good Inside, book by Becky Kennedy, Ph.D., @drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram

Early Childhood: “The Berenstain Bears” book series; “Elephant and Piggie” book series by Mo Willems

Middle School: Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond — and How Parents Can Help, book by Phyllis L. Fagell, licensed clinical professional counselor

Pictured: Seven Hills counseling staff (l to r): Dayna Sargent, Middle School counselor; Christine Stier, Upper School counselor; Angie Bielecki, Counseling Department chair and Doherty Lower School counselor; Seraphine Schomber, Lotspeich Lower School counselor; and Vicky Hausberger, Upper School counselor. Photo provided