KARE Farm Builds Community For Those Grieving From Loss

By Chuck Keller, Contributor

Perhaps you’ve heard the maxim, “Shared joy is doubled joy; shared sorrow is halved sorrow.” That adage is the heart of this story.  

Stephanie Freihofer-Pfenning is one of the co-founders of the KARE Farm, a retreat center for those who are grieving. Over coffee one morning she told me, “So you’re in a club nobody wants to be part of, but you’re in it, right? And so you got to walk through it. So that was the impetus for starting KARE.”

And what club is that? Burying a child. 

This is a story of how three people came together to use their grief to help others. Stephanie Freihofer-Pfenning’s daughter, Kate, was set to graduate college in 2016 when she died from a fall while hiking. Mike Pfenning’s son suffered a major back injury while serving in Afghanistan. His son, Nick, was diagnosed with PTSD and, even though he was pursuing further collegiate studies, he died from a drug overdose while trying to self-medicate his PTSD. Christa Plummer’s daughter, Avery (and the A in KARE), died in a car accident caused by an intoxicated driver.  The three came together and formed a coalition to help others who are grieving. The “Katie and Avery’s Retreat Experience” became “KARE”. All three died young and needlessly. 

Freihofer-Pfenning recalled that difficult time. “The cemetery was my place of solace at that time… because I felt like I was close to her.” During that Christmas Eve, Freihofer-Pfenning felt like Kate was telling her to get up and celebrate. She said, “Let’s go! Bring me some balloons, some flowers.…I got up and went to the graveyard and put the balloons down and the flowers. I’m standing there and I felt someone behind me.” 

She didn’t really want to talk to anyone during such a private moment but then a woman asked, “Is this your daughter right here?” Freihofer-Pfenning said yes. The stranger pointed a short distance away and said, “My granddaughter’s buried there and that’s my daughter over there, mourning her.” That is how Christa Plummer and Freihofer-Pfenning met.  

“That’s how we met. It was just kind of a dreary Christmas drizzling. We stood there probably for two solid hours because it was somebody who understood.” Someone who got it. This connection was the beginning of halving their sorrow.

And that is how they started their graveyard gabs. “We would take our little camp chairs. Sometimes wine was involved,” she smiled at that memory. “We’d sit out in nature.” They would alternate sitting by each child’s grave. Talking. And talking. And talking.

The two processed their grief sitting in camp chairs surrounded by the quiet nature of the cemetery. These two young mothers lost children to accidents. They shared a similar grief. They understood the other and they offered their best to each other. This connection helped the other begin to heal. Eventually they sensed that they were on to something good. 

They felt the need to do something. They would rather act than be acted upon by their sorrow so they formed KARE to offer a place for those grieving. The Pfennings owned a farm in Brooksville, Kentucky that they used as their family retreat. That is now the KARE Farm site. They campaigned for donations and built a rustic retreat surrounded by the calm and balm of nature. 

Freihofer-Pfenning worked as a project manager so her skills came into play organizing and running KARE Farm. Team members take care of finances, guests, programming, etc. And with each year, the program grew as people learned of it. At this point there are three cabins and three glamps, high end tents with elevated floors, electricity, and other amenities. 

And it is free to participants. “There is no cost for our guests. We want no barriers to entry,” she said.  Applicants must be 18 and older. Freihofer-Pfenning said that they want to help guests find “the tools and practices to walk through your grief instead of around it or squelching it. And then, in addition, maybe even at some point finding the capacity to help to pay it forward.”

People learn from each other and they lean on each other during difficult times. That community is valuable for healthy recovery. The KARE program helps to build a community of support because they believe that no one should grieve alone. “Our culture is averse to talking about death. It’s always about birth. As we age and die, we don’t want to face that. And that’s kind of sad,” said Freihofer-Pfenning.  “We can learn a lot more about ourselves and others and have a more positive influence.”  

That, of course, is at the heart of the Mitch Albom book, Tuesdays With Morrie, in which he chronicles the decline and death of a beloved teacher.  Albom stresses the need and benefit to how we frame our grief.  He quotes Morrie Schwartz, the teacher, that “Death changes a life, not a relationship” and that idea is essential to healing for Freihofer-Pfenning. 

She said, “Find community; find connection. There is healing in that. There is something to sharing your story.” It doesn’t stop the grief but it helps lessen the load. They have hosted guests from Canada, California, Texas, and Florida. And they work with other organizations to continually address the concerns of the grieving.

I asked if it has gotten easier to talk about the deaths of their children. She said, “I mean, there are still days that I hear a song and I feel like I could just puddle on the floor, you know? … You can’t live in that.” 

She said that the first year is difficult but then you must go on. Life still goes on, even though it’s difficult, you must make the effort. And with a supportive community, she will move forward. 

The sorrow still remains but as the adage claims, “shared sorrow is halved sorrow.”

For more information visit http://www.karefarm.org.